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雅思写作题材解析及习作修改七家庭类(2)
作者:网站采编关键词:
摘要:第2段 The reason why punishment seems to be a must is that this is one of the most efficient method to teach the kids what is right. By criticizing the children who have done something by mistake, t
第2段
The reason why punishment seems to be a must is that this is one of the most efficient method to teach the kids what is right. By criticizing the children who have done something by mistake, they are aware of the danger or wrong of their behaviours. As a result, children will be afraid of to do such a kind of things, which is of benefit to their future life.
[老雅修改] The reason why punishment seems necessary is that it is probably the most efficient method to teach kids what is right and what is wrong. By criticizing and punishing children who have made mistakes, parents and teachers can makethem understand the dangers or inappropriateness of their behaviours and as a result, they will be afraid of repeating such mistakes, which is undoubtedly beneficial to their future life. Many children, for example, do not tell more lies after their parents or teachers have punished them for the first lie they told.
[老雅评析](1)seems to be a must过于口语化,应改为更正式的书面语。雅思写作中不宜用过于口语的表达,甚至一些缩写方式都要谨慎使用,比如don’t、doesn’t、can’t, 最好使用它们的完整形式,即do not、does not、cannot。(2)“By criticizing the children who have done something by mistake, they are aware of the danger or wrong of their behaviours.” 这句话是句法错误,逻辑上,criticize的主语应该是parents and teachers,但在原文中,主语却变成了they(孩子们)。也就是说,by后面那个动词的逻辑主语,必须与主句的主语一致。比如:① By doing so, the government can solve the environmental issues. ② By working hard, he completed the task three days ahead of schedule. 另外,The children who have done something by mistake的意思是“因为粗心而误做了什么事情的孩子”,实际上,这里想表达的却是“犯错的孩子”,应该是the children who have made mistakes。(3)原文中的几个意思联系非常紧密,老雅将它们合并成了一句,使表达更为紧密。(4)在本段结尾,老雅增加了一句,本句作为例子,进一步证明punishment的作用。(5)第一句中有个细节改动,老雅增加了一个词probably,使原文的语气显得温和,这是英文的习惯做法,比如:① There are mainly three reasons why this has happened. ② Environmental pollution is probably the most serious issue in the world today.
第3段
Although the advantage of punishment is undoubtedly true, the opponents would argue that it might make the kids feel inferior to others. A good case in point is that if a kid is beaten by their parents in front of his classmates, he will regard it as humiliation. When he is faced with his classmates, he might feel inactive and being separated from his friends, which may lead to long-term mental diseases including depression and anxiety.
[老雅修改] Although the advantages of punishment are rather obvious, it might, as many people would argue, make kids feel inferior to others. A good case in point is my cousin Andrew. Once he did not finish his homework and was beaten by his parents right there at the presence of his classmates. Very much humiliated, he went back to school, feeling inactive and separated from his friends. NowAndrew is still suffering from mental diseases including depression and anxiety.
[老雅评析] (1)advantage作主语,后面的形容词表语不用true,应该用obvious,即:the advantage ... is obvious。(2)举例老雅使用了真名Andrew,原文那样的举例不够具体,举例最好用具体的人或名。
第4段和第5段
According to the above words I have said, punishment is necessary while the methods must be chosen carefully. For example, kids’ mood must be taken good care of so that he can realise his false. Objective persuasion is recommended while the violent behaviours is banned. Since the aim is to help them grow but not to punish them.
To sum up, children are our future so we should pay more attention to our ways of punishment.
[老雅修改] In light of the discussion above, punishing children for their wrong behaviors is necessary but the methods must be chosen carefully. Children should be made to realize their mistakes, but their self-esteem should be maintained. Since the aim of punishment is to help children mend their ways rather than to punish them, it is therefore desirable not to use physical punishment of any sort. Children are our future, so we must be careful in choosing the right kind of punishment even when we must punish them.
[老雅评析](1)according to = in light of,在正式论文里使用in light of更合适。(2)这里是在总结前文,不是在举例,所以for example不太合适。(3)he can realise his false表达不清楚,应该是he can realise his mistakes;而且本句前后逻辑不清楚,即kids’ mood must be taken good care of so that he can realise his mistakes,必须照顾孩子的情绪,他才能意识到他的错误?这里逻辑似乎是:在让孩子意识到自己错误的时候,也必须照顾到孩子的情绪(老雅将情绪替换成了自尊,好像更好)。(4)“Objective persuasion is recommended while the violent behaviours is banned.”本句表达意思不清楚。“建议客观的劝导,同时禁止暴力行为”?这是什么意思呢?是不是说,在教育孩子的时候,最好是劝导,而不用暴力?但这个观点与全文观点矛盾了,因为前文说必须要惩罚孩子,而这里却说要用劝导的方法。因此,老雅将此处改为“因为惩罚的目的是为了帮助孩子改正错误,而不是要惩罚他们,所以建议不要使用任何形式的体罚”,这样前后的逻辑更通顺一些。 □
文章来源:《当代家庭教育》 网址: http://www.ddjtjyzzs.cn/qikandaodu/2021/0508/1208.html
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