雅思写作题材解析及习作修改七家庭类(4)

第2段

The reason why punishment seems to be a must is that this is one of the most efficient method to teach the kids what is right. By criticizing the children who have done something by mistake, they are aware of the danger or wrong of their behaviours. As a result, children will be afraid of to do such a kind of things, which is of benefit to their future life.

[老雅修改] The reason why punishment seems necessary is that it is probably the most efficient method to teach kids what is right and what is wrong. By criticizing and punishing children who have made mistakes, parents and teachers can makethem understand the dangers or inappropriateness of their behaviours and as a result, they will be afraid of repeating such mistakes, which is undoubtedly beneficial to their future life. Many children, for example, do not tell more lies after their parents or teachers have punished them for the first lie they told.

[老雅评析]（1）seems to be a must过于口语化，应改为更正式的书面语。雅思写作中不宜用过于口语的表达，甚至一些缩写方式都要谨慎使用，比如don’t、doesn’t、can’t， 最好使用它们的完整形式，即do not、does not、cannot。（2）“By criticizing the children who have done something by mistake, they are aware of the danger or wrong of their behaviours.” 这句话是句法错误，逻辑上，criticize的主语应该是parents and teachers，但在原文中，主语却变成了they（孩子们）。也就是说，by后面那个动词的逻辑主语，必须与主句的主语一致。比如：① By doing so, the government can solve the environmental issues. ② By working hard, he completed the task three days ahead of schedule. 另外，The children who have done something by mistake的意思是“因为粗心而误做了什么事情的孩子”，实际上，这里想表达的却是“犯错的孩子”，应该是the children who have made mistakes。（3）原文中的几个意思联系非常紧密，老雅将它们合并成了一句，使表达更为紧密。（4）在本段结尾，老雅增加了一句，本句作为例子，进一步证明punishment的作用。（5）第一句中有个细节改动，老雅增加了一个词probably，使原文的语气显得温和，这是英文的习惯做法，比如：① There are mainly three reasons why this has happened. ② Environmental pollution is probably the most serious issue in the world today.

第3段

Although the advantage of punishment is undoubtedly true, the opponents would argue that it might make the kids feel inferior to others. A good case in point is that if a kid is beaten by their parents in front of his classmates, he will regard it as humiliation. When he is faced with his classmates, he might feel inactive and being separated from his friends, which may lead to long-term mental diseases including depression and anxiety.

[老雅修改] Although the advantages of punishment are rather obvious, it might, as many people would argue, make kids feel inferior to others. A good case in point is my cousin Andrew. Once he did not finish his homework and was beaten by his parents right there at the presence of his classmates. Very much humiliated, he went back to school, feeling inactive and separated from his friends. NowAndrew is still suffering from mental diseases including depression and anxiety.

[老雅评析] （1）advantage作主语，后面的形容词表语不用true，应该用obvious，即：the advantage ... is obvious。（2）举例老雅使用了真名Andrew，原文那样的举例不够具体，举例最好用具体的人或名。

第4段和第5段

According to the above words I have said, punishment is necessary while the methods must be chosen carefully. For example, kids’ mood must be taken good care of so that he can realise his false. Objective persuasion is recommended while the violent behaviours is banned. Since the aim is to help them grow but not to punish them.

To sum up, children are our future so we should pay more attention to our ways of punishment.

[老雅修改] In light of the discussion above, punishing children for their wrong behaviors is necessary but the methods must be chosen carefully. Children should be made to realize their mistakes, but their self-esteem should be maintained. Since the aim of punishment is to help children mend their ways rather than to punish them, it is therefore desirable not to use physical punishment of any sort. Children are our future, so we must be careful in choosing the right kind of punishment even when we must punish them.

文章来源：《当代家庭教育》 网址: http://www.ddjtjyzzs.cn/qikandaodu/2021/0508/1208.html